I WAS painfully shy in my early teens. Even during family gatherings, I would be in some corner, twisting the ends of my shirt while nervously darting short glances at everyone. They told me it was normal, and I guess it was. But the issue persisted well into my high school days.
At first, I attributed it to being an introvert. But then, I discovered I was overly shy and socially anxious when I left for college and I had to deal with a new environment and different kinds of people every day. I panicked every time I went to class because I had different sets of classmates per subject. Had you been there, you would have seen me at the back corner nearest the exit—a typical wallflower.
In time, I outgrew the shyness, but not without help from college friends who knew I was excessively shy and helped me overcome it. They helped me meet new people and introduced me to some of their friends which eventually built my confidence and helped me understand how I can carry myself in a social setting.
The first thing I did was to understand where my shyness was coming from. I had to do that so I could see how I could overcome it, and if needed, accept that it was who I really was. I realized I was excessively shy because of how I looked as compared to everybody who looked so confident and polished. I felt like I was always the odd one out.
So, the next thing I did was to write down what I was excellent in and what made me unique. Every time I felt anxious before meeting new people, I would look at that list until I felt confident enough to face them. Listing down your achievements will give an added boost to your confidence and help you cope with feelings of inferiority. Reading the list helped me focus on my strengths, rather than becoming crippled with feelings of inadequacy.
Even now, I would still feel that dread but there are several things I do to ease off the social awkwardness. One of them is to smile and fake it until I make it. And when you smile, it helps to self-talk and tell yourself repeatedly that it will be fine. Your worst critic will always be yourself and we are all prone to self-sabotage by thinking of the worst-case scenario. You will attract what you think of, so stop thinking of what could go wrong. It would do you good to keep calm, smile, and repeat to yourself that everything will be fine.
Instead of dwelling on what could go wrong, focus on what you can control to overcome the social awkwardness. You can find someone you know and talk to them as a warm-up for talking to other groups. You can also go around the room and have a feel of what the group’s interests are, and possibly join a group of people and maybe offer a bit of what you think so you can get a feel of the conversation. Your aim is to find a group of people who have the same interest as you do.
People are often overly shy because they think that others are looking at them or even thinking about them in the worst possible way. I used to think that way too, but this is simply not true. People are much too preoccupied with their own lives to actually think anything about you. In fact, they might even be as anxious and nervous as you are. It is easier to talk to others than you think. You can start with small talk to put yourself at ease and find a common ground for conversation.
If you feel self-conscious, draw attention away from yourself by asking questions. This will not only lessen the pressure on you to talk but also give you an opportunity to catch your breath and maybe think of an answer to your own question, or think of new ones to keep the conversation going. Asking questions lessens the focus on you and helps you find a common ground. This helps build rapport and keeps you genuinely interested especially if they are talking about something you know about.
You also need to understand that not everybody will like you. And that is okay. You just need to be genuine to yourself and you will find the people who will like you for who you are. I used to think that people need to like me and that means I should not offend them. Turns out that people will not like me for a lot of reasons, most of which are trivial, or even something you cannot change about yourself. So, do not be bothered when some people do not like you. Move on and talk to people who do.
And then there are those who are socially awkward because they feel that they will make a mistake or make a fool of themselves. The truth is, everybody makes mistakes. You should know that people are more tolerant than you think and will empathize with you when you commit a blunder. They might even help you out of an embarrassing situation.
And even if nobody understands, learn how to laugh at yourself. Self-deprecation helps you cope with the uneasiness of a situation through humor. At the same time, it helps you establish authenticity by showing your flaws which, in turn, helps others lower their guard down. Laughing at our own mistakes helps diffuse tension in yourself as well as in others.
There are still times when I feel socially awkward especially when meeting a group I have not met before. It becomes doubly uncomfortable when they come from a different country, or when they come from an unfamiliar field. The universal language of friendship is a smile. Smiling puts you and the other person at ease and helps establish a connection for further conversation. So, when you find yourself becoming overly self-conscious, just smile.
Employing the tips cited above, you will eventually find yourself enjoying talking to people more and getting to know them. Meeting new people can be daunting, but it should not stop you from establishing real connections with others. It is okay to feel shy sometimes, but do not let that stop you from getting to know people and letting them discover the unique and wonderful you.
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